Binkley's Borass Buffalo Adventures

Back in da saddle again

Mon, 03 Nov 2003 17:51:20 GMT

One of the annoying things about bipolar disorder is it's inconsistency. Not only does it give one mood swings, but random changes in pretty much everything. Hence my disappearance from LiveJournal for ages...

This Halloween some of us went to The Brew Pub (It's a blues bar downtown) in costume. Yours truly of course went as a Pirate. pix are below.

FRIDAY AUG 22th

Fri, 22 Aug 2003 23:17:19 GMT

I set the alarm on my pocket 'puter to 5:30am, but apparently must of sleped through it's mild beeping. Carol Called at around 6:40am at Barb's and i had to hunt all around for the phone while Carol keped saying "hello, where are you".

There was a big thunderstorm last night and i got very little sleep, perhaps 2 hours at the longest. Not because of the storm, but because i sleped heavily during the day. I just hope once the intense heat and mugginess passes that it won't be to much trouble to switch my sleeping hours back around.

Carol arrived at around 7pm and i packed my bag into her trunk as she would be doping me off back home after the walk. Barb has lots of medical appointments in the morning.

I noticed that carol was slightly less talkative during the walk then usual. Something must be up with her, this is completely contrary to her normal personality.

Arriving back at the micro apartment i almost immediately fell dead asleep till noon. At least it's somewhat cooler over here by the lake.

For activities, i masked off the text and screen of the new Scrabble Express Game with scotch tape (cut to precision with an xzacto) and set it up for a new chaise paint job. All my electronic junk is going with a dark gray hammered metal effect this year. Don't ask me why i do this stuff, i don't understand it all myself either. Does madness need reasons?

I'm highly disappointed in not having picked up the craft fome from Walmarts yesterday. much of the Techno / Internet-Goddess's little details could easily be cut and painted from the stuff. it looks like solid metal with the right paint effects and cuts like a dream.

Anyway, I'm still stuck at the "@" symbol project. it has to be up to 3 inches acrost and i want it fully light up, possibly in yellowish gold. haven't decided on the color just yet. Also haven't figured out how I'm even going to build the blasted thing yet.

If i can manage the hootspa, I'm digging through all the junk boxes and recovering stuff I'll need, including the dumb digi-camera synk cable thats all knotted up with a dozen other cables and cords.

Friday: Panic and Anxiety Group 3:00pm to 4:30pm @ AMH
Just passed on this group. Don't have the buss money and it's to wet to bike up there today. Especialy for a one hour group that i don't even know if anyone will show up for. Must focus in on art project stuff today to keep relatively saine.

I suspect I'm seriously out of useful project junk. Haven't been dumpster diving for new stuff since the heat wave started months ago. Already been cannibalizing odd things for parts rather then just giving up the project.

I'm mostly out of food again. just have to break down and walk the 5 blocks down to Wilson farms to restock up on things. need bread most of all.

Going to lay down and seriously brainstorm on how to build the glowing "@" symbol. it's eating away at me that i KNOW i can, and have, done more complex things in the past. and with even less workable materials. A past where i had much better concentration ability and a killer ability to instantly improvise projects on the cuff.

Installed the new larger neon flicker bulb in the goddess's head lamp and it's a full 100% improvement over the previous setup. the whole tipple moon pentacle lamp is now lit and flickering instead of just a dim bit in the middle. Maybe I should try and make some more artificial alter candles today?... i now have a few extra small flicker bulbs just going to waste...

6pm Wake up from yet another nap feeling lousy. would be so nice not to feel like warmed over shit just for a little while. Anyway, i gather what strength i can muster and trudge down to the grocery store. Other then the park squirls to chatter at, the trip was miserable.

Better cut the posting here as I'm in such a fowl mood I'll wind up typing endless blahh...

THURSDAY AUG 21th

Fri, 22 Aug 2003 12:59:02 GMT

Carol Lent her car to Mark so will be late. 7am instead of 6am. Weather looks like it will be almost as cool out this early so no biggy. Maybe I should wear socks in Delaware park as the gravel getting into my shoes is driving me nuts.

Kill time till 2pm when Barb will be picking me up for a trip to the mall. Weather says this will be the hottest and generally worst day of them all, then things will start to cool down again.

In the interim i discover my custom filtered news spider application that gathers web news for me every morning is now hopelessly out of date. Changes is server side scripting at all the news servers are blocking it out as a potential leaching bot. Will have to rescript a new one possibly taking advantage of the new google news servers... As is, all my cyber culture news is all only stuff about Blogs :P

2pm, Barb arrives and i drag her in to see the changes in the Techno / Internet-Goddess shrine. Still in need of much small detailing but the lighting effects are 99% done now.

We drive off towards the Gallerea Mall stopping off at a few places like Wal-Mart on the way. Barb lends me money against my Saturday check to get a bigger neon flicker bulb for the goddesses for head lamp.

At Walmart the Mystical, impossible to find, Scrabble express electronic hand held game is discovered! I now finally have a fully functional replacement!. in the excitement i completely forget to pick up a few necessary supples from Wal-mart's crafts section. stuff that would make the upgrades to the goddess shrine MUCH easier:(((

Must check the Saturday bussing schedules to see if i can get out to at least Michael's arts and crafts. need the easy to cut fome sheeting most of all. It will be MUCH more expensive there then at Walmart, but getting to Walmart on a weekend is nearly impossible by buss.

At the Gallerea mall we discover that Spencer's doesn't carry the stuff i need anymore. infact there whole novelty section has been vastly reduced.

As the heat builds even the relative lower temperature in the mall becomes to much and i start to fade out. Barb drives me to her place where she has big box window fans and i konk out for the rest of the day.

Have troubles sleeping there all night because of sleeping through the day and spend most the night reading news off of my pocket computer.

DEPRESSION SUPPORT GROUP 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ AMH
Yes, this group was missed to.

WEDNESDAY AUG 20th

Fri, 22 Aug 2003 12:28:07 GMT

Woke up at 5:30am to blasting ocean waves alarm on clock sound therapy radio. Well actually 5:40am, getting up was a bitch. was soooo tired... How soon I fall out of my biological clock schedule.

Called Carol at ezzactly 5:45. She recommended walking Delaware park again. Took all meddies, dietary supplements, and vitamin pills. Is a little cool so wear sweats and get online for news and weather. Carol is running late, buzzez the door at almost 6:30am. She must be having same problems I'm having.

Buy 2 packs of smokes on way back home from park and am officially out of cash till Saturday 23rd. have like $3 change in coin bag for buss. NOT proper change, need more nickels.

Techno-Goddess Project: As the shrine is supposed to represent the Mother Goddesses embodiment in the World Wide Web, I chatted with friends at #depressed last night for ideas and input on symbolic representations of common facets of the WWW. What I got was:
SPAM
WEB PORN
E-MAIL
IRC CHAT
INTERNET EXPLORER AND NETSCAPE
P-2-P ILLEGAL FILE SHARING
WAREZ
BOOKWAREZ
CRAPPY WEB SERVICES LIKE AOL, YAHOO, MSN,
MP3s
INSTANT MESSAGING
POPUPS
DANCING HAMSTERS?
Spam is somewhat represented by the SPAM label on the lil 'puter screen.
Both E-Mail and IRC chat can be symbolically represented by the AT = "@" symbol.
Web P0rn can be represented by some cheap rubber boobed thing from Spencer's gift's.
The P-2-P file sharing by the simple logos used on the soft wear like the Napster Cat.
Internet Explorer and Netscape by the blue "e" and ships wheel with the "N".
Putting crappy web services like AOL, YAHOO, MSN, etc logos on the shrine seems somewhat sacrilegious :(
What do i use to represent Warez?

Should call Barb at 9am and ask if she wants to do anything after day treatment, or if she's even still going to day treatment... Mention the bipolar group at 6pm as something... Already way sleepy... eyeballs aching and body slowing down to dead crawl...

WEDNESDAY BIPOLAR GROUP 6pm to 8pm @ AMH
(leave) #22 Porter / #20 Elmwood
(5:06) 5:16 => 5:29 / 5:33 => 5:52
(5:31) 5:41 => 5:52 / 5:54 => 6:13
LEAVE APARTMENT AT 5:06PM!

Way to hot, sleped in all day long and missed group. Till this muggy heat wave dissipates I'm not going to be good for more then an over heated doorstop.

TUESDAY AUG 19th

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 00:10:27 GMT

UGGERS! I did it again! The 'puter was left online all night and i sleped in late till almost noon. Carol couldn't call in again and i was sleeping while i should of called her. This can't continue! we have a park walkies pact thats helpful and highly therapeutic for both of us. At least if Carol can't make a walk she calls in and politely cancels. I'm such a dunderhead!

BIG FAT NOTE: computer WILL be turned OFF before i go to bed and alarm clock will be SET and turned ON! Also phone will be by bedstead for extra added emphasis!!!

Spend the morning filling in the details of the weekends Live Journal postings. There just a jumble of random notes and schedules till there edited into something readable. Have mucho E-Mail to do but it's getting close to time for the first buss to the new Tuesday PTSD group. Carol should be there and i can hopefully apologies to her for my rotten behavior of late.

Wonder if i could call carol before group and apologies, then perhaps she could even give me a lift there, the days heat is such that I'm sitting in the 'puter recliner on towels totally naked with the fan blowing at full throttle and still sweating. Being out in the open sun waiting for busses may cause a case of rare spontaneous combustion...

Meddies are running me down to the sleepies about now, well that combined with the 4pm heat wave. need bath and need nap. maybe i can nap in the bathtub...

PTSD GROUP 6:00pm to 7:30 @AMH

Wake up at 6:15pm. Well i guess that answers that question. sleped to long for the bath and through half of Tuesdays group. Not letting it bother me tho. I'm heavy into the Techno-Goddess project now. Have the new lighting problem fixed and used a label from a SPAM can as the screen on the little computer.

Discovered that the new lights put out an awfull lot of heat. Just enough to remelt the hotglue in some instances. Will have to change them out for the new much cooler modern X-Mass string lighting eventually. Not a fire hazard, but a potential destructive element to localized construction.

Have this big bag of chopped up x-mass lighting that i fished from a dumpster several months ago. Have to hook up a test string to check for heat output. if There ok I may use them in the FrankenJunky lighting effects project thats up next. Would like randomly flashing low level lighting effects all over Franky. Will need to find a lighting control box with all the bells and whistles. If i go this rout I'll have to wait till after Halloween for the serious X-Mass crap to hit the bigger department store shelves.

FrankenJunky's Brain is still a problem. Theres no way to connect up it's lighting effects to the CPU that i can figure out. His new MOBO is totally different from the ancient clunker i used before. the older had sensor test plugs for everything. This new MOBO doesn't even have a functioning Hard Drive activity LED.

MONDAY AUG 18th

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 20:07:42 GMT

oopsers! I left the 'puter on downloading illegal stuff visa KaZaA Light all night so the phone wasn't available. also i sleped in till like 10am. Hope Carol Doesn't feel like I've blown her off:(

Make plans later at 5:00pmish to do stuff with Barb and spend most the day trying different things on the Techno-Goddess Project. the new lighting effects are a bit to bright and over take the existing little blue lights. Must do SOMETHING to tone down the server and router lights. The screen on the little computer needs some kind of display. I have a temp one in place thats ugly and also too bright. What to put on the screen is highly dependant on what i can find or make by hand. i have no printer or i would print out a miniature screen capture from FrankenJunky or some such.

Monday: Bipolar disorder group 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ ILC
This group is run my *Doc* the regular Facilitator. He's quite manic lately and manages to talk nonstop through 90% of the group. Alternate Mondays the group is run by the backup Facilitator who actually divvys up equal time for everyone present at group. In either case I use this time to have fun out with Barb and totally blow off the group...

Note: my Optical Mouse needs repair work. I covered it with Ducttape last year and the tape is turning to a gooy mess. The Ducttape business was to discourage the ratties from trying to destroy it in fits of jealousy. To there point of view this *mouse* interloper gets almost all my attention, attention that could better be used in tickling and playing finger chase games with the resident ratties.

Barb leaves late making plans for us to do some shopping at the HomeDepot and elsware on Thursday.

I stay up just a little late, like till 12:30 hunting through junk boxes for parts for the Techno-Goddess project. Specially for something to cover and dim down the too bright new server and router lighting effects.

SUNDAY AUG 17th

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 19:42:11 GMT

Woke up late at Barb's house and she drove me home to the micro apartment.

Down cycle time is in full swing and i spend all day sleeping on and off, little of anything is accomplished except that i take note that leaving the refrigerator door open all day and night has done something atrocious to the taste of my microwave dinners.

The peas for instance taste like cod liver oil.

I know it's all probably badly spoiled and could pose a food poisoning threat, but having food poisoned myself on a semi-regular basses for years has built up my digestive tolerance to something approaching that of a vulture. I could quite possible eat month old road kill carrion with no noticeable ill effects.

Note (1): even the ratties WON'T eat the left overs from the microwave dinners. I have mutated my digestive system to a possible Ghoul. I can safely eat things that rodents wont go near...

Note (2): As a new Ghoul, I could probably supplement my food stamps by raiding the local cemeteries. unfortunately there much further away then the supermarket...

Note (3): There a Funeral Parlor just up the street from the apartment complex. Investigations show that they don't seem to have restaurant facilities, tho they do seem to have a sort of drive through...

MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES SUPPORT GROUP 1:00pm to 3:00pm @ AMH
Blow off this group to sleep and fiddle with new bits for the Techno-Goddess project.

Call Barb late 9ish and invite her over. She has nothing planed for most mondays and we could at least do some window shopping.

SATURDAY AUG 16th

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 19:18:25 GMT

Weekend, no walkies in part today

Woke up late, over sleped.

worked on the fiddely details of the Techno-Goddess project. finished the lil I-Mac computer and started inserting the lighting string.

Called Barb and we decided to go to a fer real drive in movie tonight instead of the group. The Saturday group has started going down the toilet lately sense "*Stalker-Steve" has made a habit of going and scarring off all the new people.

(*Note: My legal name is also Steve, we both have long blondish hair, and were of similar builds and physical charisma. People mistaking me for HIM drives me to screaming fits! I have started telling everyone to call me "Computer Steve" in hopes of killing off the occasional confusion)

He doesn't pull his trash in the meeting room where the facilitator can see him so theres no telling when or if it will be possible to kick his ass out of the group. I should probably call the Facilitator myself and give her the heinous details. she will believe me easily (Known each other for years) but having NO actual PROOF will make it hard for her to oust him... Don't want to put her in a difficult situation anyway, way to nice a woman to dump on.

Anyway, having a fun alternative to Saturday group is a good excuse:)

Barb is impressed by my extremely weird apartment setup and doesn't comment at all that it looks like i desperately need to be put on heavy anti psychotics :D

Theres a fine line between artistic genius and utter raving insanity. I'm proud to say that I've erased that line and mixed both aspects into quite a hash...

Unlike some of the local artists i know, at least I have a regular therapist and KNOW i need one:))

Many artistic types tend to quit there medications as many meddies interfere with there creativity / insanity. I've lucked out into talking my shrink into prescribing meddies that take *just* enough care of my mental illnesses to keep me semi-stable and relatively harmless to the general public's welfare, while allowing occasional hypomanic episodes to motivate my artistic side.

Most artistically educated people would have difficulty classifying my styles of *art*, but it's keeps me heavily occupied when i can focus on it and is a great therapy for distracting me from the worst of my mental illnesses.

DEPRESSION SUPPORT 'PARTY' GROUP 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ ILC
Blew off this group today:P

Spent Saturday night over at Barb's house and playing with her elderly but extremely sweet natured cat. I can never remember the cats proper name and have started calling him Mr Biggles:)

FRIDAY AUG 15th

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 17:49:55 GMT

Caller Carol about todays walk in the park at 5:55am

coalition meeting today
Carol will be picking me up at around 8:something am?

Dressed up nice for the meeting, but maybe a bit to warmly with long pants and long sleeves...

so far the weather is hot, muggy and unbearable:P

Took the IMAC mini puter apart for painting and eventual incorporation into the Techno_goddess project. disassembled the mini PDA for same purposes as above.

it's 8:26 and still no word from Carol at the door buzzer. Wonder if she forgot about me...

nope, here she is at the buzzer

Wondering if major or minor surgery will be necessary for the Techno_Goddess details upgrades. Just have to somehow get rid of that stupid calculator and get more direct simulated computer technology into the project. Wish I could of found little toy computers someplace over the last few months. Doesn't seem like anyone carries such things anymore. Remember when you could at least get computer and laptop mini refrigerator magnets...

The coalition thing sucked. nothing like the ones in the past. was just a bunch of dog and pony show type crap

left early to take nap, was way to hot at the meeting

Call Barb now that i finally have her phone number. finally someone new to chatter with who isen't TOXIC!

THURSDAY AUG 14th

Fri, 15 Aug 2003 02:14:43 GMT

Carol Calls canceling the mornings walk do to an early work schedule. She has been sleeping badly, possibly do to relationship stresses (perhaps bringing the Jerk Files to yesterdays walk and pointing out that her current LDR +Long distance relationship+ displayed classic signs of being both a control freak and an emotional blackmailer didn't help sooth her much)

I spend the free time finishing off the lighting on the Techno-Goddess Project. the tinny blue lights seem to take away from the blue eyes a little, but it cant be helped at this time. Any way, it's all wired up and re hung in the shrine. The little lights are suposed to represent the star field like scattered computer connections of the Internet. may post a picture later if i can find my missing digital camera synk cable...

::::::::::::::Mornings E-Mails:::::::::::::::

(1): To: <binkley@wzrd.com> Subject: wellbutrin rx
"Dear
Unfortunately, none of our other locations have the brand name wellbutrin in stock. We were able to order through our wholesaler though. It will be in Thursday 8/14 after 11:30am. I hope this doesn't cause too much of an inconvenience. Any questions - call 883-****.
Danielle,
Pharmacist"

(when it rains it poors.... )

(2):To: binkley@wzrd.com Subject: Re: jerk Files
"yes, although an interesting article i could not
finish due to its severe prejudism against
borderlines. i am not any of those manipulative
things, and you know this. i hate it when all of one
illness are grouped and signled out w/o proof and
overjudgement.
Moonmatrix"

(Altho the articles in question don't go into any specific mental illnesses, it does tend to mention Borderline Personality Disorder a bit as a prime culprit in disastrous relationships. These are of course NON diagnosed BPDs not undergoing psychological and therapeutic help. Quite a different animal compared to a responsible and self aware person like Moonmatrix who is actively working to better her self and her condition. Bipolars like myself get a tenable rap as well if were not under psychological care.)

(3) The rest is from the new Pagan Pride Day website committy and a few posts from the Western New Your Polyamory E-List. To dull a read this early in the morning.

My new replacement Therapist Appointment with (MaryAnn) will be at 10am at the clinic. I'll probably leave for it at 9:30ish. it's only 8:20am now. The big hope here is that i may somehow weasel out of the $10 missed appointment fine from earlier this week. Also i hope to discuss a few programs I'm hoping to get involved in and show her what new research i have managed to scavenge this week. Actually have no complaints about the shrink this month to rail and whine about to her.

After the Therapist appointment i have to drag my butt all the way back to Walgreens to hopefully pick up the late medication. from there I'm thinking of taking the subway to South Campus station and catching the 34 to the Boulevard mall area to look for a replacement scrabble game. must copy the extended 34 schedule to my pocket computer as i have no flyer for that bussing rout..

Heat and tiredness already settling in, must set alarm and take an hours nap before the trek to the clinic...

Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz

O0o0o0pzers! wake up at 10:14am. Alarm volume was set to low.
Call clinic and set new appointment.

Call all area Toys R Us about availability of the Scrabble Express Electronic Hand held game. All stores clam it's no longer in stock. May have to check the 3 semi-local Wal-Marts...

ISP Problems, modem fails to connect at all dial in numbers. Wish i had WWW.WZRD.COM's support phone number....
"Connected to remote computer.
Verifying user name and password...
Failed to connect to remote computer.
Unable to establish a connection."

Will be leaving any minute for first buss to group anyway. maybe it will get cleared up by then. if not, then I'll have an excuse to work on some project or another like I should be doing...

DEPRESSION SUPPORT GROUP 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ AMH
(leave) #22 Porter / #20 Elmwood
(5:31) 5:41 => 5:52 / 5:54 => 6:13

Was actually two new people in Thursdays group, one wasn't even a whiner!
someone who actually was there to learn how to better there life! been along time sense someone like that walked in the doors.

Learned that my IPS wasn't reachable because of a mass random power outage caused by a fire at a substation all the way over in New York city. My ISP is based in North Tanawanda and there power was out from 4pm till 7pm.

Just got back in from group, it's 9:49. downloading e-mail and CowGurl is playing around the apartment. she wants some Pepsi so i fill a bottle cap for her and now she's a happy rattie.

Picked up my new name brand Welbutrin on the way back from group tonight. Don't know if it's working yet. I'm apathetic but that could just be the heat and mugginess in the apartment. so much to do and so little motivation. Probably should try and call Theresa again, but two nights in a row of no response have me doubtful if it's worth it. Guess I'll post this thing then go off line and call someone. even someone toxic is better then stewing in my own emotional morass...

WEDNESDAY AUG 13th

Thu, 14 Aug 2003 11:50:14 GMT

Worked on the LCD screen problems with my digital electronic hand held games till late in the night, like around 2am. Despite careful cleaning and even re soldering two games are still hopelessly useless. The Einstein Math game and the frightfully expensive Scrabble Express game.

Possibilities of replacing the scrabble game require an all day buss trip out to Toys R Us near the Boulevard mall, with NO guarantee it's even still carried there. The Einstein game came from a Novelty shop at The Transit town Plaza on the other side of the planet, with even less chance that one will be available there. The Scrabble Express I miss the most, but can cost as high as $25 :((

I have little consolation that i worked tirelessly for days and did hours of web research in the process of trying to fix these things.

Very depressing dip in my meager life, that harbors vast anxiety regarding the planed work on the laptop computers.

I gathered all the data and software available off the web for both laptops' repairs. i studied up on the problems extensively. i used every resource available in preparation for the operation, yet my superstitious side cast black clouds of doubt and uncertainty regarding there outcomes. I only have so much equipment and tools and no money for replacement parts.

As with the rest of my life, i feel a deep dread that no matter how hard i work and how much time and energy i invest in things, they will always came out total failures.

My motivation is at an all time low. Even when my bipolar lets up and i have some energy I wind up just sleeping in all day for lack of anything better to do.

Best try and go to bed, at this time of night all i can think about is endless rivers of morbid depressions. Might be better in the morning.

Have to set the clock again so as to call Carol at 5:45am for the waterfront walk.

Things needed to be done Wednesday:
Walk to the HSBC bank on Main St and get my last $37. bank should open at around 9am and it takes 30 minutes to walk there so must leave at 8:30 or so.

:::::Wednesday Morning:::::

Carol called at 5:40 beating me to the phone by 5 minutes. Instead of the waterfront park, which she seemed to be having a little anxiety over (Lasal Park is on the Buffalo west side and doesn't have the greatest reputation), she suggested driving us to Delaware park in the middle of the garden district.

I had Carol drop me off at Delaware and North in front of Walgreens on the way back so i could turn in the scripts and pick up my months medications. as of today I'm totally out of Welbutrin and Effexor.

the scripts were this time all in correct medicaid red tape order, BUT the pharmacy was actually out of non generic name brand Welbutrin! Yu just can't possibly win...

The pharmacist sed she would E-Mail me when she managed to get a shipment in from another store. In any case I have nothing to keep me awake except caffeine tablets, and there notoriously harsh on my system.

I noticed that the clerks were actually putting up X-Mass supples in August. Amongst which are an assortment of nice small lights that would be just the thing to finish off the old Techno-Goddess project. A string of 70 blue lights are going for only $5.

i walked to the bank almost an hour early and waited on the front stoop playing video games till they finally decided to open. Extracted the lasts few dollars from my checking account and went back to Walgreens to get the blue lights. to save money and because it wasn't to sweltering i walked the 3 miles back home.

on the computer i worked out a light placement simulation for best dispersment and artistic balance, then began the slow process of installing each light. Divided the goddess mandalla into seven equal parts and arranged ten lights within each wedge. should take hours and I'm already exhausted.

set the alarm in time for the first AMH group of the day and take a nap.

ANGER MANAGEMENT GROUP 3:30pm to 5:00pm @ ILC
Can never make it to this group as it's on the other side of town from AMH and i have no reliable transportation.

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS support group 3:00pm to5:00pm @ AMH
(leave) #22P0rterbest / #20 Elmwood
(2:04) 2:14 => 2:24 / 2:23 => 2:45
(2:04) 2:14 => 2:24 / 2:39 => 3:01

At the first group i discover I'm the only member present, just me and the facilitator. we forge ahead anyway till the 6pm bipolar group starts starts to set up.

WEDNESDAY BIPOLAR GROUP 6pm to 8pm @ AMH

Been away from most all groups for a week or two from sickness and instead of a joyful reunion, I find both of todays groups to be sucky and utterly emotionally draining. Find myself actively preying that the Bipolar group ends so i can get the hell out of the aggravating hell hole.

after group i do a little shopping through the Tops / Target shopping center in search of replacement games. nothing i want is there:(

I do find a decent sized fanny pack at Targets for $12 but decide it's way to expensive at this stage in the month.

taking the 8:58pm Elmwood bus back will leave me (hopefully) with a shorter wait till the porter best bus arrives to take me home.

Utterly exhausted, both physically and emotionally from the vampiric draining of todays so called *support* groups, I set the alarm clock and plug in the phone. I call Theresa's in hopes of possibly getting her tonight and go straight to bed at 9pm...

Wednesday sucked in so many ways. I tryed to do my normal group routine to pep me up and it all backfired. the only glimmer of light today was starting on the final stages of the Techno-Goddess Project now that workable lighting effects are available earlier then December's X-mass restock..

TUESDAY AUG 12th

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 04:04:47 GMT

Called carol at 5:45 but she cancled because of lack of sleep. Carol offers to drive me to todays group. I'm to sleepy to remember that my shrink apointment today is at the same time as group...

Went to gass station for pop

(E-Mail): Alex will be at Franklin and North on Tues morning
She gets there between 7:45am and 8am and leave at 9am
Wants me there to drop off printouts, BPD work binder and get her money.

Heat and meddies made me sleep through the meeting with Alex, but she showed up at my apartment door. She diden't know the apartment number so described me to the manager who already knows me well.
Payed Alex first thing (thats off my mind) found out why she needed the full ink cartrige amount, the 16 Jerk Files articles printed out to over a pound of papers compleetly filing a vanela mailer envelope.

It's been so long sence i've had anything printed out i compleetly forgot how much ink and paper a few kilobytes of text comes to. I have all 16 articles on my pocket 'puter and they dont even make a dent in the 3 megs of memory.

New Problem presents itself. Theresa's mailbox is a teensie post box that won't fit the envelope at all. She has told me in the past that theres NO mail security at her apartment complex, and that overlarge deliverys are just left on the floor by the little apartment post boxes. to be stollen almost emediatly. so the plan to US Post mail the documents to Theresa wont work...

shrink apointment at 6:15 pm. leave at 5:55 to give extra slow walking time in the intence heat and muggyness. shrink was 20 minuts late but i got my scripts and even think i've got the name brand Welbutrin problem fixed.

PTSD GROUP 6:00pm to 7:30 @AMH
Obviously missed group for Dr apointment

At 8pm i call Theresa'a apartment hoping she will read the caller ID eventualy and maybe call me back. Calling Theresa is nie on imposible. she has no ringger on her phone and no answering mashine or service. She has to actualy see the teensie little light blinking on her caller ID box and check the numbers to see who called. I have developed a system of calling her at around 7pm or so and leaving my phone pluged in and computer offline incase she sees that i called and calles back

I need her advice on how to get the documents to her.
Theresa is on a special sort of sabatiacle and isent talking to anyone, posibly not even me:( So the documents she requested may never be able to be delivered to her...

E-mail from Anita trying to sound supportive. I must of sent her a doozy when i was realy sick and coulden't sleep.

E-mail from moonmatrix sounding much happier and she's even dating:)

Did research on cleaning and repairing simple grey scale LCD screens through google. nearly everything I have with an LCD is screwy. got isopropal alchohol at Tops and found a pencill eraser to clean oxydyzation from the PCB contacts. also found a small baggy of cotton ear swabs to appy the cleaner. Almost afrade to try the full cleaning rout for frear of disapointment if this last ditch effort dosen't work. I simply can't aford to buy new hand held electronics, many of wich are no longer even sold anywhere....

Put in an hour of social play time with the new two baby rattie gurls. the CowGurl clone is comming along supper well and is almost totaly fearless of humans. the little caromel colored runtling is still veary skitterish but i think i see a slight lessening of fear and more interest in play. Shadow continues to loose hair and looks weirder and weirder, but atleast she is eating and maintaining some health. she is veary attached to the runtling and they snuggle together:)

Must get to bank wednesday and get out the last $37.00 in my checking acount to tide me over till the 23rd. thats if the $40 still comes on the saturday folowing the 3rd Wednesday of the month. I try NEVER to count on this stypend as it could randomly disapear at anytime...

Posible good news, made a new apointment with my threrapist. missed the last one. talked with the secritary about the $10 fine and she says they may have a new change of policy for fining people on medicaid. To qualify for medicade you have to be well below the bottom of the poverty line so i have always been highly inraged at being fined the equivalent of a right arm. to me on SSI, $10 is equivalent to $50 or $100 to anyone else.

MONDAY AUG 11th

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 04:02:38 GMT

Poly stays over for the night

I call carol at 5:45 for the waterfront walk.

Poly decides to leave while were on the walk so for some dumb reason i leave my apartment keys in the apartment and tell her to just leave the door unlocked when she goes. no one has ever fiddled with other renter's doors in all the years I've been here.

returning after the walk i'm locked out of the complex's outer security doors. I could either ring for the day manager and embaras myself or simply wate at the doors by the buss stop for somone comming in or out and sneek in, i choose the latter and get back in to the apartment.

Sick and sleep in all day. Only manage minor web reserch.

The midday heat and muggyness is beyond opressive...

Monday: Bipolar disorder group 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ ILC
(5:06pm) = 5:16pm => 5:29pm / 5:41 => 5:55
(5:31pm) = 5:41pm => 5:52pm / 5:53 => 6:07

Sleep through this group, not so much from the heat but from the massive thunderstorms all through 5pm.

SUNDAY AUG 10th

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 04:01:06 GMT

sleep in most of the day

MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES SUPPORT GROUP 1:00pm to 3:00pm @ AMH
(leave) #22 Porter / #20 Elmwood
(12:20) 12:30 => 12:41 / 12:39 => 12:56

To sick to make the above group today

At 10pm i call poly's house and leave message on her answering machine that it's ok if she cant make it over today as promised. the rain has cooled things down and i'm feeling better, so should be able to get atleast a few grocerys in the morning.

Poly drives over late, around 11pm to help me get groceries from tops supermarket. Thank Poly for her help untill almost 3am and fall dead asleep...

SATURDAY AUG 9th

Sat, 09 Aug 2003 18:35:58 GMT

Weekend so no park walkies

Need to call carol sometime about walking schedule and LDR problems

Huge thunderstorm last night with massive rain

Repaint Electronic hand held Crosswords game

Attempt to repair the electronic scrabble game finally, but nothing i can do seems to help any. Must be a IC chip burnout problem. So will need to go out and actually buy a replacement (again). first one was melted in the old bathroom fire. There becoming increasingly more difficult to find anywhere and will have to spend a whole day hunting down a replacement when i have some money. I'm flat broke till the 3rd or 4th Saturday of the month when $40 may or may not arrive by mail. Despondent over the death of yet another electronic toy :((

Got E-Mail from Anita wanting me to call her. The letter sounds like she's still in the dead end depressive funk she was in when i got sick and disappeared off the face of the earth

Discovered that i missed my Therapist appointment on monday. had the wrong date marked down from a previous appointment card. this is the second missed therapist appointment in as many months. Also means that even tho I'm financially busted this month I'll still have to scratch up $10 to pay a FINE for missed appointment. Fining people living on micro fixed SSI incomes the same amount as people with jobs and resources is beyond cruel...

Got E-mail from Angie (MoonMatrix) explaining that do to new medication side effects she wont be bussing down to Buffalo this month to visit. Was REALLY counting on her coming this month and am extremely depressed and disappointed about the conciliation...

With everything going down the toilet lately i may be far to depressed to even make the Party group this evening...

May just stay in bed and hope i die in my sleep. death by starvation will be much easier now that my depression has reached the level where i get violent nausea at the sight of food. I'm also down 30lbs sense last month so have less body mass standing in the way between malnutrition.

DEPRESSION SUPPORT 'PARTY' GROUP 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ ILC
(LEAVE) #5 Niagra / Metrorail
(5:00) 5:09 => 5:23 / 5:30 => 5:49 (GROUP)

Who cares........

FRIDAY AUG 8th

Sat, 09 Aug 2003 17:59:49 GMT

Carol calls and cancils walk at 6pm do to lack of sleep caused by worry over LDR

This is a DEEP depression day so little of anything gets done.

Friday: Panic and Anxiety Group 3:00pm to 4:30pm @ AMH
(Leave) Porter / Elmwood (AMH)
(2:04) 2:14 => 2:24 / 2:39 => 3:01 (3:08)

Dident make the group, just sleped in all day feeling miserable

Begin repare work on Scrable Express Electronic handheld game thats been broken for months. Other then painting the case and seting out the parts nothing constructive gets done at all.

Theresa calls because of further problems with her dad's computer. The problem is related to the cable modem and i have no experance in such modern expensive highspeen widgets. Theresa trys to explane to me that she has special *reasons* for her sudden hidding out and that it has nothing to do with me. the conversation is even more emotionaly confusing so i fall into an even deeper depressive stupper and sleep in all day. cant eat anything...

THURSDAY AUG 7th

Sat, 09 Aug 2003 17:48:20 GMT

5:30am call carol for park walk

Alarm dident work. carlo & Theresa both came and buzzed my door.

This is the FIRST time Theresa has actualy made the 6am walk!

Theresa brought more goodies for ratties, and told me about a sale on Care Fresh paperpulp safe rodent bedding for ratties at Pet Smart on Delaware Ave near Amherst st. big $20 bag onsale for $11 somthing.

Told Theresa will try and call her befor 12 as she will be going to therapist and other places and be gone all day long. Must set up get to gether apointment with theresa some time this week for Peer Advocate help with all this funky paperwork i need to go through and posibly mail in.

Told Carol I would call her because she dident get to vent about her worries and troubles during the walk in the park.

Walked to station store for pepsi and smokes

compiled a folder of info on the infamous Palm Tungsten C Personal Organizer that i so desperatly want but can't posibly see anyway towards afording.

find and read colition form

Find and read the computer toutering at library flyer

Call Alex about getting the Borderline Work sheet forms in the binder

Call Presbaterian church about clothing give away on tuesdays. Ask for full directions. 884-0070

Check out www.laserconcepts.com

Steps housing program. call Gail Spike 886-3004 ext# 204 (she is currently on vacation. ask about qualifying for partial reant stipent.

Called Theresa at 11:12. Will meet her at corner of Delaware and Main st at 2pm on the bench outside of WalGreens to obstencibly repair her dads computer or some such. have collected together computer repare kit.
Bus scheduel there is:
(leave) #22 PorterBest
(1:31) 1:41 => 1:51 walk one block from summerbest to north

Anger MANAGEMENT Group 1:00pm to 2:30pm @ AMH
DEPRESSION SUPPORT GROUP 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ AMH

Thursday weather
Patchy fog until mid-morning...then partly sunny and humid with a chance of a thunderstorm in the afternoon. Highs in the upper 70s. West winds 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 30 percent.
Thursday Night
Mostly cloudy. Lows about 65. West winds 5 to 15 mph becoming southeast and decreasing to 5 mph.

Missed both groups today bacause of helping out Theresa.

Theresa informs me that she is going on a several week mental health sabatacle. the way she words it sounds strangly familure to people in the past trying to nicely tell me there tired of me and wish to move on :(

WEDNESDAY AUG 6th

Thu, 07 Aug 2003 06:46:36 GMT

Wake up late at 7:30pm and skip park walk till later. Poly may want to go with.

Last night had to fix file ident failure in FrankenJunky. woulden't recognise a bunch of files. Ran scandisk to repair errors with out loosing any data. Just neede to refolder the lost files.

Don't think I'll be making any of the two groups today because of Poly's potential visit.
ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCHOHOLICS support group 3:00pm to5:00pm @ AMH
(leave) #22P0rterbest / #20 Elmwood
(2:04) 2:14 => 2:24 / 2:23 => 2:45
BIPOLAR DISORDER GROUP 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ AMH

got cycle change over cramps bad at around 9am. Mondo pain...

ate a sandwich and went back to sleep till 3pm

took a bath
6pm, called Poly

7pm, Poly came over and we went to the park for a late picnic

Poly stays the night

TUESDAY AUG 5th

Thu, 07 Aug 2003 06:44:56 GMT

Call Teresa: (877-1166) about 1pm @ The Welness center
(leave) #5 Niagra / #20 Elmwood
(11:45) 11:55 => 12:12 / A12:22 =>12:43
---------------------------------------------------------
Cancil Welness center
insted go to Theresa's house
take #11 to corner of Colvin & Hertal
{leave) #22 Porter / #11 Colven
(12:41) 12:51 => 1:01 / 1:17 => 1:37

Get heavily rained on and soaked getting to Theresa's Theresa leand me dry clothes.

Try call pet stores about bedding
Elmwood Pet Supplies not located in either phonebook

go to Theresa's and help make toys for ratties. Rain makes me sick so sleep on theresa's sopha for an hour. she drives me to the next group

PTSD GROUP 6:00pm to 7:30 @AMH Carlo has offered to drive me there or back. Carol will be working Wednesday so no 6am walkies till thursday.

Remembered to get green cololition form from AMH as per theresa's advice. wasen't easy finding the right form, the place is full to the rafters with hand out forms.

at 10pm get call from Poly, she's back from visiting the kids. Make plans for her to drop by wednesday around 7-ish. Must remember to call her at 6pm for confirmation. she will help me get to a better / cheaper grocerystore to get supplys now that my food stamps are renewed.

MONDAY AUG 4th

Thu, 07 Aug 2003 06:42:38 GMT

Talked with Theresa on the phone till 12 midnight. finaly figured out how to contact her vea phone :D Theresa is making a special cardboard play house for the ratties, with special emphisis on making it easily accessable to Shadow rattie now that she is disabled. Shadow shows signs of heart attack survival, with loss of mobility in one side, but has recovered quite well otherwise. Shadow rattie is a veary OLD rattie and things like this are to be expected...

Carol calls to wake me up for the waterfront park walk. Carol is such a sweetheart, she gave me a little quilt for my reclinner :)

Left to get new glasses from Main place mall at around 11am

Monday: Bipolar disorder group 6:00pm to 8:00pm @ ILC
(5:06pm) = 5:16pm => 5:29pm / 5:41 => 5:55

Miss group because of intence heat and muggyness. Wind up sleeping in till it cools down.

Do manage to take apart PDA's and change Commodore=64 casing to new PDA

Take apart Electronic Scrabble express game for cleaning and repair of the screen settings. Dont manage to finish job because of lack od decient contact cleanner. need to get small can of acitone.

SUNDAY AUG 3rd

Mon, 04 Aug 2003 18:33:59 GMT

Took long bath and majorly scrubed up

Started raining at 12:04

need to pack umbrulla and check buss change.
left 5 minuts early to get change from the gas station acrost from the buss stop

MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES SUPPORT GROUP 1:00pm to 3:00pm @ AMH
(leave) #22 Porter / #20 Elmwood
(12:20) 12:30 => 12:41 / 12:39 => 12:56 (close connection)
Almost missed buss

SATURDAY AUG 2nd

Mon, 04 Aug 2003 18:32:43 GMT

sleped in late

Got package from Kimmy with Wizard OZ-700. She realy must of never used the thing, it looks like it came right out the package. Mine always wind up looking like they were scavanged from a demiliterised zone from constant use and carrying em everywhere.

Carol picked me up at around 5:00pm for a romp around Delaware park. was only a little hot but massively muggy.

FRIDAY AUG 1st

Mon, 04 Aug 2003 18:31:16 GMT

Leave phone open for Carol to call around 5:40
walk Lasal woth carol at 6am to 7am

SSI Check Arives today!

Leave apartment at 8:30am
Walk From: ApartmentTo: HSBC Bank
Total Distance: 1.6 miles 32 minutes
(get money out)
Walk From: HSBC Bank
To: Niagra Square Post Office
Total Distance: 0.4 miles 8 minutes
(send $30 to Kim Russell 2427 E 2200 N Layton, UT 84040)
From: Niagra Square Post Office
To: Tops - Niagara Street
Total Distance: 0.9 miles 18 minutes
(Bring phone bill and pay $53.45 on Verison Bill)
From: Tops - Niagara Street
To: PeaceBridge Apartments
Total Distance: 0.8 miles 16 minutes
Pay RENT of $375.00

End up with only $141.55 for rest of month (cry)

Take either #22porter or #5 Niagra to catch #20 Elmwood buss
get off at corner of Elmwood and kenmore.
meet Marcie: (876-7881) at her home on 2290 Elmwood Ave Kenmore 14217
and walk with her north to the AMH picnic

Called Marcie and she cancills the walk because of illness

compleetly forgot to Ask if the Panic And Anxiety Group 3:00pm to 4:30pm @ AMH is still on or not.

Got ride with Theresa and friend to theresa's house so we could make the post office. I missed the post office earlier because i forgot to bring Kimy's address on the trek.

Got to meet Theresa'a sweety cats. Went to post office and sent kimy the money in cash in a security envelope. Then went with Theresa to Pet Smart for pet goodies. Thereas spent a fortune on cat food and treats, i found the special nutrient lab rat biskits for like $4 a bag, got 2 bags and was stunned at the price of care fresh paperpulp rodent bedding there. like $20 a bag!

TUESDAY JUL 29th

Wed, 30 Jul 2003 00:16:49 GMT

phone was properly hook up and so Carol managed to call me up at around 5:50am. Gave me plenty of time to dress, take meddies and realize that i haven't bathed in three days:P

Carol made me chocolate chip cookies:)

Back home i realize that i have a problem. For the first time in as long as i can remember i have constipation. After an hour of struggling i realize that the so called *fiber* in the health shakes is the culprit. It's a passing a 20 lb bowling ball through a golf ball sized hole situation. The stool has the consistency of extremely hard modeling clay and shows no interest in remolding into an expellable object. This either calls for a trip to the ER at Buffalo general hospital or some improvisation. A quick bit of research on the web shows some quite medieval techniques and tools for similar problems. one looks like a cork screw.

hours later using an improvised tool i have the situation under control, but not with out a literal *royal pain in the ass*..

I then take a long and much needed bath then fall asleep. The exhaustion of fixing the above situation has me as week as a sick kitten. Pain just simply drains every last ounce of energy from you leaving you a feeble husk.

After waking up much later My smoking sesation resolve lies in shatters. I take the bike up to the bank and withdraw the last $8 from my checking account, then run off to Walgreens to buy smokes. I ask the cashier to give me all the Dutch Treat Sweets little cigars that $8 can purchase. I then take a leisurely ride home sticking to the shadiest sides of the street. The bicycle seat is a crewel medieval tourcher device to my tender abused tush the whole way there and back. How I'm going to ride all the way to the PTSD GROUP at 6:00pm then back at 7:30 all the way up 6 miles to AMH is beyond me at this point.

To get to group i should leave at like 5:15pm. it's 3:17 now. maybe if i sleep and rest the interim i will feel better for the trip.

Marcie called while i was trying to sleep and keped me up for an hour, the result is i missed my 5:15 deadline by a good 30 minutes. missed the Tuesday group completely.

Must find a software program that catches incoming calls while online and acts as an answering service. wonder if I'll need to get call waiting for this and just where on google to search for such an application..

MONDAY 28th

Tue, 29 Jul 2003 18:23:53 GMT

6am, Carol buzzez the apartment door to wake me up. I left the phone on but my download manager apparently automatically kicked in to finish downloading a bunch of SpinalTap MP3s. I grab a sweatshirt and put the new bage baby rattie in my pocket to take her for a nice ride through the park.

Got home and took a nap for a few hours. put all ratties in the bathroom for playtime.

Wondering if i have any money at all left in the bank. hunt around for last bank balance letter. poops, only $8 left in bank. not worth withdrawal. Can the binkz survive until Fridays SSI check arrives?

took the bicycle to the monday 6pm bipolar group at ILC. forgot to bring the bike chain so brought the bike right into the building with me, told anyone who commented that it was my wheelchair (it's a disabled supportive building).

The group was a disaster in the making. I left shortly after a known disaster insighter came into group late to avoid the potential horrors, but not before getting some contact information from Theresa and giving her mine. Later in a phone call i heard that the bigger disaster i was hopping to avoid did infact accrue. That many Bipolars in a confined space is already a known powder keg as is...

Rode the bike the 5 miles back home and talked on the phone from 9:30 till midnight when i nearly fell asleep on the phone.

To tired to cook real food i drank one of the horrible nutritional exercise shakes and went to bed.